Let's talk about grief beyond losing a loved one
Like most people, once I got my cancer diagnosis, religion came back into my life. My not like super religious like I need to start going to church, more like spiritually. I began listening to the universe speaking to me, perhaps it’s God. Nonetheless, I am in constant awareness for “signs’ that are given to me to I can continue on the path I am meant to live.
One day my dear friend clued me in to Alfred Street Church. Again, I am not the “church-going” type of gal. This church has a huge online presence and you can view it live on YouTube. So I thought, why not give it a try. Now, this church has like a two-hour program with MANY musical performances! Making it LESS my type. Thankfully, I can fast-forward to the sermon of Pastor Wesley. I don’t watch or listen “religiously” (see what I did there?!) but I do when I “feel” I need to. And it’s always a sermon that touches my heart.
Yesterday, the topic was about grief. Something I didn’t think about was how grief is not just about losing a loved one. It’s simply about “loss”. Loss of an opportunity, loss of a job, loss of a friend, or, in my case, loss of health. This hit me in my soul. I don’t think I have “grieved” my health. Do many cancer patients do?
I will be quoting or paraphrasing many things that resonated with me from this episode of Alfred Street.
How do we grieve the loss of health? How do we move forward with this permanent diagnosis, not just of cancer, but of grief. Meaning we are survivors of a loss. And if we do not process this loss, it will creep up every so often in ways that could be confusing. Beyond feeling sad, some “symptoms of grieving could be confusing or foggy brain, lethargy or lack of energy, and inability to make decisions (you don’t want to plan anything out)”. You could have physical symptoms too like “insomnia and anxiety”.
Grief is hard because “you still have all this love for something or someone that is trying to still come out but it now has nowhere to go”. I had all this love for my body, especially my strength and energy. I was able to exercise, work very long hours, take care of my children, run 5K’s, you name it. And suddenly, I cannot get out of bed. Suddenly I have pain in my body I have never had before. I “feel” things I never have. Things I don’t have the vocabulary to describe. My body changed a lot too. Not just the loss of hair on my head, but everywhere too! My skin changed color in many areas, I grew spots on my hands and feet and even gained “tattoos” from radiation. Markings that will remind me of my journey for life. My nails became brittle. I got hand and foot syndrome.
The biggest loss for me has to be my “femininity”. And I’m not talking about losing my boobs. Boobs are just boobs. Honestly, they are something I hide under clothes and only my family gets to see when I run around the house naked!
Femininity to me actually refers to the loss of my period and how this affects my overall health! Losing estrogen affects skin, collagen, youth, but also protects women from coronary artery disease. Artificial menopause can also accompany mood swings (that you are not aware of!), feel hot or cold for no reason, feeling tired, and food cravings. The medications that induce menopause can also be harsh and some are even associated with OTHER cancers! Good grief!
Losing this “femininity” means no longer being young and sexy. I am not longer able to reproduce. I am not longer fertile and ovulating. This is something I need to still wrap my head around.
Grief can also “be the death of a dream, the loss of hope. You need God and time because you need the help of God to tolerate the time it takes to process grief.” This process, of course, looks different for everyone.
The answer to grieving? Self care. Yup, simply taking care of yourself so you can process grief. So you can heal from the pain of the loss and start the process or rebuilding your “new” life that does not include what you lost.
How do you self care? You communicate. Tell your family and friends how you are feeling. Tell them when you need space and time alone. Journal and medicate your feelings so you can allow their release in a comfortable space. Read about rising over sadness or speak to a therapist so you can learn tools to help the process.
For me? I am listening to the universe. I am listening to God. I am allowing this spiritual guidance to walk me through the steps I need to move forward. Today, it was writing this blog. Yesterday, I spoke to my therapist about how I am feeling. Tomorrow? Having lunch with a friend.
What is your grief and how are you coping?
Want to check out Alfred Street? See their YouTube channel!
https://www.youtube.com/@AlfredStreetBaptistChurch