Now What?

I have read several blogs or articles on mental health and cancer. I enjoy being “ahead of the game” and learning from other’s experiences so that I not only know what could be ahead, but plan for it. We all grieve the diagnosis of cancer in our own individual way and in our own individual time. I have been in the medical field for roughly 15 years and none of it really included oncology (Cancer). I genuinely thought that most people die, like almost all cancers are a diagnosis of death. Well, in my defense, I only saw worst case scenarios while at work (I worked in the hospital and in critical care). Thankfully, I now know that that is not true at all.

I also had no idea what most people with cancer go through on a day-to-day basis. When I was going through IV chemotherapy, the appointments where WEEKLY! How do people could hold a job during this time period!?! People are so darn resilient I tell you!

Now that I am done with IV chemo, I was doing oral chemo. I had to take 3 pills twice a day. Somehow, I never ever forgot to take them. Well, I did take them late twice but still, I took them! I am also still doing immunotherapy (Keytruda/Pembrolizomab). This requires IV treatment every 3 weeks for a year (will be done September 2024). Prior to each treatment, I get labs drawn in the hospital, one lab draw at home for cancer DNA, IV stick for pembrolizumab, and then the pills.

I couldn’t be prouder of myself of making it through all of this. I recently finished my oral chemotherapy (Xeloda). I think that chemo was harder than IV chemo by far for many reasons. One, it still makes you neutropenic and let me tell you, neutropenia sucks. It makes you feel 100 years old and very tired. (Think first trimester tired!). It also may cause stomach upset, nausea, constipation, diarrhea, etc. (none of those happened to me!)  Thankfully it does not cause baldness. But it does cause hand and foot syndrome (which is why these pills are awful!).

The immunotherapy is known for also making you feel like you have the flu. You get fevers, muscle aches and pains (think post leg workouts!), and in my case, totally obliterated my thyroid. At first it made it go “hyper” (imagine heart palpitations, sweating, nervousness) and then after 2-3 weeks it shut down (imagine extreme fatigue, I gained 8 lbs. in one week, constipation, etc.).

So, add that all together, plus having 4 kids, I was ready to finish these drugs. This is why I am questioning, Now What?! I can slowly see my new life beginning. I can almost taste the energy coming back. New opportunities for me to get back to hobbies or try new things! (I have been holding off rollerblading!). Of course, things are still hard to do with four littles around. My body is still in recovery from the oral chemo (Doc says it takes up to a month) My fingers are still so swollen and they hurt when I close my hands. I barely have any fingerprints due to that. I have not been able to wear any rings due to the swelling. My feet are a whole other story and I will make a post about “Hand-Foot Syndrome” very soon.

I have several fears for the upcoming future. Now I’m finished, will people think that somehow Ill bounce back asap and have crazy expectations of me? How soon should I go back to work? How soon can I go back to exercising? Will my appetite come back? What will my hair finally look like when it grows out?  

My goal now is to rediscover this new version of ME. The survivor me. The “I used to have cancer” me. The one who is on antihormonal treatment and will be in menopause for 11 years me. That’s what destiny has set up for me. I will try my best to embrace it. I don’t need to know “why” this happened. I just need to pay attention to the lessons I am learning as I go through it.